Wolf Creek Campground
Another concern was that I did not want to air anyone's dirty laundry including my own. I have tried not to air anything that offends anyone. If I do, I apologize.
Another concern I had was I did not know how this journal would end. One fear was that it would just fade out with a whimper as I headed back to tucson with no comment on what I had discovered. I guess my idea of a fairy tale ending would be having a get together with all my family around to catch up on old times. Since I didn't have the audacity to request any such event myself and all the feelers I put out about any kind of family gathering this summer was met with a list of reasons why people would be too busy to attend, I felt my only option would be to answer all the "open invitations" I had and try to see everyone in my family individually.
It would be a daunting task when you consider I have 8 siblings and 2 parents few of which have given me any indication of preferred dates to visit them. And after trying to answer a select few open invitatins, I came to the conclusion that an open invitation is like a rhetorical question, no response is expected or desired.
I had it in my mind that I had made it pretty clear in my emails and journal entries that I was terminating my trip this week and wanted to make a pass through Oregon to see as many people as I could before heading back to Tucson. After further review of emails and journal entries it was unclear as to whether it was this week or the next. I am acted under the assumption that everyone was expecting me to give them a call over the next week to answer their open invitations.
I had planned to stay at M's and watch the NASCAR race on Sunday. I had called on Thursday to give general notice and left a message on Saturday to give specific plans and to ask if there was anything going on that would affect my stay. I planned to stay overnight in CG, then head to Portland the next day, then back to CG to see who I could see. I had called Friday to give notice to M&R and got the feeling that there would never be a good time to visit. I hesitated on notifying anyone else because I was unsure of how long I would stay at anyone place.
I expressed my anxiety to P on Friday night. There was a feeling that we had all grown apart and what I was trying to do was not possible in the current frame of family. Yes, but I was the Prodigal son. I had been away for 5 years and this was everyone's last chance to interact with me for a while. Surely this would rate a killing of the fatted calf.
I said my goodbyes in Ashland without handshake or hug thinking I would be back later in the week on the way to the campout in California where I could see the Calfornian contingent.
I arrived at CG 100 miles into the 400 mile NASCAR race. I knew M said he would be busy during the day, so I did not expect him until later. The race ended satisfactorily around 3:30 pm. During the race I had found out that the majority of the CG contingent of the family would be at the coast all week and that part of the californian contigent would be recreating in CG the next day and the joining the party on the coast. So much for cashing in those open invitations.
I wondered if anyone read my emails that I was ending my trip and wanted to say goodbye that week or if anyone had listened earlier in the summer when I pleaded for any indication that there would some kind of family get together so I would not have to invite myself over to 10 different houses. I felt like a sore thumb asking for another whack from the hammer.
I wanted to change the oil in my car even though it was a few hundred miles early. I thought this would be my last chance to do it myself before I headed back to Tucson. I went to Walmart and got the 4 quarts I needed. I ran the car up on blocks of wood in Ms garage as I had twice before. I got my tools out of the trunk. I put the socket and ratchet on the oil plug. I turned the ratchet and felt the corners round off the plug. I got a better angle and a wrench and tried again only to make the matter worse.
I was upset. In my mind everyone knew I was coming their way in the next week or two and rather than inform me of their plans and tell me to come another time or invite me along they chose to head to the coast where no less than 5 of the 10 family groups had been invited. I already knew the excuses that would be given. We did not know you were coming. We did not have any room for anyone else on the coast. We had planned this a long time ago. Thanks for caring.
I had enough. Enough of trying to fulfill a self-imposed obligation that no one wanted me to fulfill. I was tired of the secrecy. Tired of the lack of communication. Tired of the self-centeredness. Tired of me. I did not think that M was arriving anytime soon or had any plans when he did arrive.
I loaded up everything I had planned to take to Tucson, left M a note, left a message with M in Portland that I would not be stopping by the next day, then headed south with no place to stay. It was 4:15 pm. About 30 miles later on I-5 south my cell phone indicated I had receieved a call from M in CG. This was the first time I had seen this feature work on my cell phone. I called M back. He was home, but had not read my note. He wanted to let me know he had bought chicken for dinner.
I tried to put the blame on me even though I knew M was smart enough to know that was a typical ploy I use to diffuse situations. I indicated I was not a good person to be around right then. I mentioned I was headed back to Tucson since everyone seemed to have vacated CG. He started to explain about the parents going to the coast for the week and I lost it and described what I felt was a scenario of secrecy and mistrust. I thanked him for his hospitality and we hung up.
After another half hour M from Portland called. The message I had left was designed to invoke the reaction that she should call because she would feel bad if something happened. I am my father's son. I ranted and raved and she rationalized and I knew I was wrong. I had known it all along. I had put too many demands on myself and my relationships. I was forcing myself to do something I really did not want to do. I should have just went back to Tucson from Montana.
I knew the right thing to do would be to head back to CG and fulfill the commitments I had made to M&M then see the remaining CG'ers before heading back to see the Ashlanders and the Californians. I was too upset to do the right thing. I knew I would just make matters worse in my current state of mind.
Of course I was having a depression attack. That's not the point and I won't hide behind it. I have 2 choices, 1. learn to live alone or 2. find a spouse. Trying to use my family to replace a spouse has run its course. I choose 1 because I know a spouse would be just as much trouble. There will be a very difficult transition period of about 42 more years with 1, but I have no other options.
I was hungry and this was aggravating my mood. I had turned off on an exit with no southern freeway return and I was almost out of gas. I had planned to make it to exit 71 and a KOA, but turned off at 75 Wolf Creek. Got gas and a campsite after much hedging. I had a place to stay. I was tired, hungry, alone and lonely.
I could not bring myself to set up the tent. It was getting dark. I sat in the driver's seat of my Saturn and listened to U2's ONE song over and over and over. I had fits of sleep while sitting up. I awoke several times to dreams of driving down the freeway. I was thankful I had not acted out my dreams. I had no place to stay. My heart was homeless.